The Best (And Worst) Movies (And Movie) Of 2016

2016 might have been a bad year for many reasons but it was a great year for movies. For my 2015 list, for lack of choice, I couldn’t select more than 10 favorite movies, but this year, I have a list of TWENTY. There’re a lot more Hollywood movies in my list this year, and more some European ones. This year too, there are three (possibly four) musicals. This time the list has two documentaries and a biopic, and more horror than the last time. Interstingly a majority of the movies on this list feature female leads. But this time, again, there are TWENTY MOVIES. At the very end is the worst movie of 2016. Objectively the worst. If you liked it, you’re probably wrong. Anyway, the good movies:

20. Kabali

Campy fun reminiscent of Japanese Yakuza movies. I enjoyed the living hell out of it, and I can’t wait for Kabali 2. This almost didn’t make the list because of the phenomenally shitty post-ending ending, but I thought that I might as well round of 19 to 20. Rajini ROCKZZ No further comment.

19. Captain America: Civil War

I don’t know how the Russo’s do it, balancing the campy, lighthearted stuff, with the heavy, sad stuff. Excellent script, great direction and cinematography, and great cast. When the movie was announced, I was extremely skeptical. How do you pull off a war between ten people? The comicbook Civil War was huge, with hundreds of characters playing parts. Ultimately the war was fought over Bucky instead of some ideology. Sure, that was there too, but focusing on Bucky helped in bridging or at least hiding gaps in the ideology. I know a lot of people complain about how convoluted Zemo’s plan was, but I really liked him, and I’m glad they didn’t kill him off. Also, great action in this movie.

18. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Normally, when a franchise spinoff claims to be a crossover between genres, its a huge stretch (Winter Soldier wasn’t a political thriller no matter how much you’d like it to be). But this one really is a war movie that happens to be set in space. It plays out like a combination of Seven Samurai and the Dirty Dozen. All that was missing is the “where are they now” sections that these movies generally have before the credits roll. It oscillates between fun, tense and heavy, quickly but organically. It wastes several good actors though some others get a chance to shine (Donnie friggin Yen). All in all excellent, and may indicate a turning point in the way major companies (especially Disney) treat these spin offs.

17. 13th

An Ava DuVernay documentary, it highlights the history of racism against African Americans in the USA, and the subtle ways in which the United States government (and by extension other governments), use legislature to enable the police and the judiciary to racially profile people and target minorities. Racism is a nonpartisan issue that all sides of a government should agree upon as being a terrible thing, but this documentary highlights how both sides engage in profiling, very silently. Highly relevant documentary to the way things are today.

16. 10 Cloverfield Lane

I did not like Cloverfield, so I didn’t expect to like this. But most of my apprehensions eased when I heard it was not a found footage film and that John Goodman would be in it. Dan Trachtenberg, best known for the Portal short movie, and later, an episode of Black Mirror does an excellent job of easing and and increasing the viewers claustrophobia. The tension comes and goes in waves, and at one point, you’re lulled into such a sense of security you almost think that everything is going to be okay. And the ending (which I already knew because of the first movie) adds an excellent texture to the rest of the movie once you’ve seen it, because of how much they did in it that finally didn’t matter.

15. Green Room

This being a Jeremy Saulnier movie, you can go in with certain expectations, and he delivers on all fronts. A punk band plays a show in the middle of nowhere to a bunch of Neo Nazis at a club owned by main Nazi Patrick Stewart. Things go crazy when they witness a murder and they gotta fight their way out of the club. The best thing about this movie is its pacing. Uncomfortable jagged, it lulls you into a false sense of security, and then quickly murders likable and typically “safe” characters in startling jolts. Its also brilliantly shot, alternating between the hot and claustrophobically tiny club and the cool, pristine woodlands outside, lending credence to the characters’ feverish moods. Poor Anton Yelchin, who died horribly last year, does a fantastic job in the movie and will be sorely missed. I gotta point out though, he and Elijah Wood look alarmingly similar, and I kept expecting him to call for Sam in the movie.

14. Hidden Figures

This was such a delightful movie. It tells the story of three black women who worked at NASA, and were instrumental in getting John Glenn to Space and back, safely. It deals with the various challenges they faced, both racist and sexist in nature, and is an inspiring story of how perseverance and honest intentions can ultimately help achieve something. The cast kills it, and the movie nails the early 60s aesthetic. I especially love how this is a movie for all ages, and will appeal to a 9 year old just as much as it would appeal to a 40 year old. And movies like this are all too important in the age we’re living in.

13. Amanda Knox

This documentary follows the high profile murder of an American exchange student in Italy. Her roommate, Amanda Knox, and her then boyfriend were convicted of the murder. The documentary explores the various biases in the media and in the Police investigator responsible for the arrests, and how, ultimately, both of them were acquitted by the courts. Such a subversive and thrilling documentary. It quietly plays with your own biases and opinions as events proceed, gently tugging you along one direction, and then another, always keeping your interest.

12. Toni Erdmann

This was a long movie, but a very good one. It has well established character stereotypes; the happy go lucky, practical joking father, the ultrabusy corporate daughter with no FUN! in her life. While they have a strained relationship, its never a broken one, making it far more real than most movies. Director Maren Ade has a penchant for building and playing around with relationships, and let me tell you she has a ton of fun here. The characters are so real that the absurdity the father brings to the movie is as unsettling as it is funny. This movie probably also has the strangest and funniest nude scene of the year, and people cannot shut up about it so I thought maybe it warrants a mention.

11. Your Name

Anime! The director of this movie, Shinkai Makoto is often called the successor to Miyazaki. I don’t agree with this comparison. Shinkai is a trailblazer in his own right. The movie that starts of as a simple body swapping romance, between a city guy and a village girl. The first half explores their adolescence and plays out like a fun meet-cute, effectively building their characters, till one day the switching stops. They both try to find each other for real, only to realize that their circumstances are much more complicated than they thought them to be. Blending mysticism with typically Sci-Fi themes like time travel and parallel realities, this movie is a lot more fun and has a lot more emotional weight than most movies can manage. It draws obvious comparisions to Interstellar (no space travel, but the underlying theme of “love” being a guiding force), and I personally think Your Name is far better at getting that theme across to the viewer. Also, it has a killer soundtrack, courtesy the Radwimps.

10. The Lobster

A dystopian future where people who are single are turned into animals of their choosing, if they cannot find a partner to live with in 45 days. People are granted extensions depending on how successful they are at a weird Paintball like game where you run through the woods and tranquilize other people. Mad satire by Greek director Yorgos Lanthimos in his English language debut. It spins the societal pressure of seeing people who don’t “get hitched” and settle down, as weirdos. They are encouraged to find a companion who shares a unique similarity with themselves, much like a dating app, but in person. Colin Farrell is excellent in it.

9. Captain Fantastic

Viggo Mortenson! Suddenly I get why people compare him to Johnny Depp. He plays a communist minded hippy who lives and raises his children in the wilderness, training them physically, and teaching them subjects in ways he believes the schooling system fails to. But when his wife dies, he’s forced to take his children down to civilization for her funeral, and reality comes crashing down on him, and the kids. The movie is light and fun throughout, and they absolutely nail the whole fish out of water thing. For his work, Matt Ross earned an Un Certain Regard at Cannes. Great movie.

8. Moana

I am partial to Disney animated movies, and this one being about sailing and the sea and everything was almost definitely gonna be on this list just for existing. But its a genuinely good movie about a young girl, a stupid hen, and a fishhook wielding demigod teaming up to beat a giant lava monster. This movie spends a lot of time making an argument for how responsibilities should never get in the way of your passion, and how following your passion will ultimately make being responsible easier. Its genuinely touching, and visually very exciting. Moana is, in my opinion, one of Disney’s best animated characters in recent years, and the movie is probably my favorite since the Lion King.

7. Silence

Martin Scorsese though. Two priests travel to Japan in order to rescue their mentor from torture at the hands of a cruel Vassal of the shogun. Instead they find lots of Japanese Christians who are in hiding out of fear of being persecuted. Things go South and they suffer. Everything about this movie is great. Garfield and Asano are excellent together on screen, and the contrast in their characters is fleshed out to a frightening degree by their performances. The cinematography is fantastic. The movie is so beautiful to look at. The soundtrack, and the carefully built atmosphere do wonders for the tension at breaking points in the plot.

6. The VVitch: A New England Folktale

This is a terrifying period piece that follows a Christian family in the early days of America, after they’re cast out of town and left to fend for themselves on a farm by the edge of a forest. Things start going terribly wrong very quickly, and the family struggles against a force that they can’t quite be sure is supernatural in nature. Robert Eggers does a splendid job for a first time director. Excellent performances, beautifully shot, with some frames almost seeming to be photographs till something moves. These still frames are never boring though - there’s so much to see in them. The fact that this movie was nominated for zero Oscars is criminal.

5. Creepy

Kurosawa Kiyoshi’s big return to his horror roots did not disappoint. He was in my list last year for Journey To The Shore, but this movie is so much better than that one. Absolutely surreal movie. With a narrative so twisted that the more you understand the movie, the less you understand it, playing out like a strange nightmare, which is Kurosawa’s favorite aesthetic. An ex-detective is drawn into two seemingly unrelated mysteries; the murder of a family in another part of town that happened many years before, and the unsettling behavior of his neighbor. Teruyuki Kagawa is one terrifying bastard. What an actor. Its amazing how this movie is somehow both clinically sharp and blunt and vague at the same time. As ever, Kurosawa delivers the mother of all bittersweet endings that kept me up for many nights. I am so glad that he’s making his weird, off-beat horror flicks again (not that his dramas were bad - they were fantastic). He’s an expert at manufacturing tricky frames that’re full of lies, setting them up almost like a staged play. Deliberate and real, but also make believe. You see what’s happening on the screen, but you’re also seeing something else, so you’re mostly just bewildered and shoved and horrified, even without a drop of blood being spilt on screen.

4. Under The Shadow (Zir-e Sayeh)

Babak Anvari’s feature length debut is fantastic. This movie follows a mother and her daughter living in Tehran during the Iran-Iraq war. Very reminiscent of Babadook in the way it plays mother and child against each other, a djinn (or maybe djinns, plural) haunts them. Between the triple threat of air raids, and ballistic missiles and the djinn(s), various relationships are tested. It floats an idea that what may begin as innocent materialism may bring a person to great danger in the future. Both the mother and the daughter deliver excellent performances. Its backdrop makes it such a thematically unique horror movie. From adjusting to a normal life during wartime, to the effects of a conservative, oppressive regime on middle class families, the movie makes full use of its country’s circumstances to exacerbate its nightmarish premise. The color palettes in this movie are so damn perfect its not funny. Its various props and sets and extra characters are excellently picked out and expertly used. The creepy neighbor, the missing doll, the cracks in the ceiling, the poorly lit bomb shelter. I could go on. Fantastic movie.

3. La La land

Bright, colorful, crisp, and light. Damien Chazelle’s dream project sees two artists with dreams of making it big, one as a jazz musician and the other as an actress. They meet and fall in love, and sing and dance. Much like Moana, this movie makes an argument that your passion may get in the way of your responsibilities. Unlike Moana, it makes the point that following your passion requires sacrifice. I personally still think that this movie had a happy ending. Bittersweet at worst but mostly happy. The shot selection, the color palette, all scream celebration. And this movie is a celebration. Of music, love, life and Hollywood. “Here’s to the ones who dream” is its tagline, and it delivers, dream after dream after dream. I honestly thought that this would be at the top of my list, but the top 10 are quite interchangeable. You can read more about my thoughts on La La Land here.

2. Handmaiden

Directed by Park Chan-Wook, best known for Oldboy and as a producer for Snowpiercer, this movie follows two petty thieves involved in a long game get rich scheme. One poses as a Japanese business man attempting to woo the heiress to an old Korean household, in order to inherit its prized book collection and sell them for tons of money. The other poses as the lady’s handmaiden. Things get heated when both the conman and the conwoman fall in love with the lady. The movie plays through twice, once from the handmaiden’s perspective, and then from the lady’s perspective. Might as well be two different movies. The two actresses are phenomenal as their characters. The time period in which the movie takes place makes for a fascinating setting; a wonderful cross between traditional and modern, and its all fantastically brought to life. The movie twists and turns and murders its way through to the end, and it has a very unique conceit that’d confuse the way you feel about everything more than Gone Girl ever could.

1. Elle
(Trigger warning, please be sure that this movie will not upset you before you watch it)

I started this list by randomly jotting out all the movies I liked, writing blurbs about them, and then ordering them based on which movies I liked least from the selection. So I culled movies one by one, till I was left with this monster of a movie. Did not see it coming and I am not sure I am comfortable with it sitting here. But that’s just how this movie is. A terribly uncomfortable one. I cannot tell if this movie is a sick kind of drama or a very very dark comedy. To start a movie the way this one does and get away with it takes something special. The movie follows a writer turned video game producer, who is one day, brutally raped. Owing to past circumstances, she distrusts the police and refuses to call them, even when she finds out that the rapist is stalking her. Most of the movie is just her going about her life, but the viewer is left with an overbearing tension to carry, as it never fails to harken back to the stalker when you start getting comfortable. Somewhere close to the end the identity of the rapist is revealed, but that isn’t the movie’s shocking twist. What comes after is the shocker, and the progression through which she gains power over her attacker is jaw dropping. The worst thing about this is, it doesn’t shock you because you don’t see it coming, it shocks you because you probably will see it coming. Isabelle Huppert is brilliant and deserves the Oscar (she is a nominee).

Movies that almost made the list:
These came really close, but nothing on my list is replaceable by these movies.
Popstar: I do not know how I survived this movie, nearly died laughing.
Deadpool: Not gonna bother explaining this one
After The Storm: Not quite up to Koreeda’s standard. A light and easy watch nonetheless, with fresh takes on tired tropes.
The Invitation: Who doesn’t love it when a dinner party spirals out of control and your hosts reveal themselves to be members of a death cult
Spectral: Science ghosts. I demand a theatrical sequel.
Advantageous: Great sci-fi.

Movies that I liked but not thaaat much:
Batman V. Superman: It was good.
Pet: This was a good one, with interesting plot developments, but dragged down by its terrible leads.
Hush: Best final girl in recent history
Dr. Strange: Fun, visually stupefying, but just another superhero movie.
Now You See Me 2: Fun.
The Accountant: Fun.
Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them: Good cast, good looking movie, but boring all in all.

Movies that I missed that might change the list a bit:
Forushande (NEED SUBTITLES)
Harmonium
Moonlight
Arrival (not actually desperate to see this one, but I’d still like to)
Hacksaw Ridge
Antiporno (will probably land up on next year’s list because of its 2017 wide release)
Daguerrotype (Kurosawa Kiyoshi, who also made 5 on the list, made a French movie, for reasons)
Jackie
Happy Hour (Too long for me to watch)
Train To Bhusan

Movies That I Couldn’t Give A Shit About Trying To Watch:
The Good Ones That I’ll Hate:
Manchester By The Sea
Patterson
Zootopia
Inside Out
Fences
The Bad Ones That I’ll Hate:
Passenger
Any Adam Sandler movie that came out last year

Movies That I Tried To Watch But Couldn’t Give A Shit About:
Right Now, Wrong Then: Much like its protagonist, this movie was intelligent but very boring.
Conjuring 2: This was a well directed garbage movie.
I Am The Pretty Thing That Lives In The House: This was well directed, intelligent but also extremely boring and ultimately trash that amounts to nothing.

Movie that I couldn’t finish:
Birth Of A Nation: The depressing stuff was too depressing for me. Also heard that bad stuff about the director and gave up on trying to finish it altogether.

The Worst Movie Of 2017:
Suicide Squad! They should have just kept releasing trailers!

If I’ve missed anything, let me know. If you think I’ve mistreated any movie here (other than Suicide Squad), tell me why. Lets hope 2017 is as good as 2016 was. It looks like it will be.

Bad Words: SJW, PC Drivel; And How I’m Failing As A Pop Culture Blogger (The Reason Will Shock You! It Isn’t Even There In The Post. Or It Is. Who Knows?)

When I started this blog, it was supposed to be a stupid Pop Culture blog where I talk about nonsense like comicbooks and Death Metal. This is my twelfth post. For the second time, this post has nothing to do with pop culture. Or maybe, it does, in a weird tangential manner. The kind of people I talk about in the following article are the kind of people you find in comment sections all over the internet (not mine, nobody reads my stuff). The kind of people who try to force artists into making creative decisions to suit their needs. Assholes, basically.

Anyway.

This video is worth watching before you get into the content. Really, go watch it. Old dude explaining stuff better than I ever could.

Gender is becoming increasingly confusing. There are a lot of new words that are coming up for old things, and as with everything, people are opposed to these changes. The general argument is, that people should stop being so sensitive about silly things. Except. It’s not a silly thing. At all. Gender studies is an actual science now, and human beings are complicated creatures (until they’re made to thing about anybody that isn’t themselves). Over the centuries, racists have told blacks to stop being silly, sexists have told women to stop being silly, and imperialists have told the oppressed to stop being silly. To understand their place. Be grateful to be alive. Compromise. You’re the minority, or you’re the weaker people, and therefore you serve to our comfort. We voted on it. You did, too.

Language evolves. Its a pretty commonly known fact that the word “her” was created much after “his”. I do not understand why its so difficult to use “they”. If you’re worried about being PC, maybe be worried about being a decent human being instead. Its just a shitty word. Nobody’s asking you to get degrees on the subject. Transphobia appears to be one of the most prevalent and underestimated forms of bigotry in this day and age.

I’m not one for oppressing another’s freedom of expression. But people are taking the anti-PC crusade to levels that parallel the original PC crusade. You’ve got one side that’s yammering about how white males are evil, another side being racist, and everyone else caught in generalizations, which is paradoxically what both sides seem to be fighting against. Being decent and being reasonable, if those are things that ever existed as human traits (I doubt it), are ceasing to exist. How hard is it to let people be as they want to, and treat them with the same respect that they afford you?

Its funny that people see Social Justice as a bad thing today, and say that Political Correctness is what’s derailing society. Yes, there is a need to have a serious discussion about the limits to which this PC movement is being taken to, and if PC is even the term to describe it anymore, considering nothing is off limits in politics now and that PC is used in mostly non political contexts, for apolitical reasons. Social Correctness is probably a more sound term, but to say a person is Socially Incorrect would mean you’re flat out calling him an asshole, instead of “brutally honest”.

We need to understand that through the ages, certain aspects of our languages have become off limits for varieties of reasons. That might be hard to come to terms with for some people, but can you honestly tell yourself that there is absolutely NOTHING that can offend you? NO insult that will upset you and hurt your feelings? Of course there’s something out there that’ll strike a nerve. Heck, for some of you the above sentence would be enough. But here’s the thing, most of you will forget about it and move on. Some of you will bear a grudge and strike back. And for others still, it may bring back memories of some deep-seated, repressed trauma.

And are you really okay with “triggering” somebody’s trauma for the sake of telling a joke? Or for looking like a real badass in front of your friends? For “telling it like it is”? Are you really sure you're telling it like it is, or are you just being a bigoted, callous piece of shit? You say people who get triggered easily shouldn’t read, or listen or watch the things that trigger them. But you also complain about trigger warnings. And you’re just as prone to getting triggered, as you’re wont to show when somebody calls out your bullshit. If you’re unwilling to compromise on any front, why would they? There is absolutely nothing wrong in showing an iota of patience and sympathy for other people. Some might even say that its a good thing to do.

And to the other side, its time to draw lines. Point out sexism, phobia, racism. But understand and clarify when it’s intentional and when it isn’t, and for fuck’s sake don’t invent shit for the sake of it and delegitimize everything. When you see a trigger warning, don’t go and get triggered and then complain about it. Stop vetting the things you see and hear until you’re offended, language is tricky business, and one can construe anything as offensive if they try hard enough. You getting offended is often more your fault as theirs (classic victim blaming).

Stop being a victim unless you truly are a victim. If you have mental health issues, GO GET HELP. If you’re a victim of bigotry, or some kind of social injustice, tell your friends, try and find a way out of your situation. If you’re reading this, and feel like shit, I invite you to talk to me if you have nobody else. I’m no expert in these things (or anything else really), but we can try and work things through and figure out a way for you to get actual help. But if you have neither of these things going for you, kindly shut the fuck up, you entitled piece of garbage (kettle-pot-pot-kettle).

This article started in a place and ended in a whole other place far away from the first place. My point is, its ridiculous to throw tantrums over a bloody word. No dude would appreciate being repeatedly called “her”. No girl would appreciate being referred to as a “he". And transgender folk are a relatively new, but distinct minority who are struggling to find their place in society. Is it really that difficult to let them use the bathroom and refer to them with a different pronoun than you’re used to? I wish people would complain about Homework and assignments as much as they complain about all this other bullshit. The stuff would definitely get banned forever.

If I’ve misunderstood something about gender, please let me know. In addition to that I would appreciate it if one of you SJWs would explain to me what a safe space is and how its different from, say, home (assuming your household is a stable one- shit, I think I get it now; or do I? I don’t know).

The Best (And Worst) Movies (And Movie) Of 2015

Last year was not the best year for movies, but the few good movies that did come out were amazing. It's funny that in a list of ten movies, four have dystopias, and two more present potential dystopias. Also, there are three musicals on the list, and of ten, only three are Hollywood movies, of which only two have American Directors. Anyway, my favorite movies of 2015:
10. Yakuza Apocalypse

This movie is too much, as Takashi Miike movies tend to be. It's hard to really summarize the plot, but it approximates to this: There's a mob boss who's a vampire. He's decapitated by an ancient order of vampire killers that include Mad Dog from The Raid Redemption and a guy in a frog suit, that later turns into a frog monster. Either way, more vampires are formed, but they aren't just any ordinary vampires. They're yakuza vampires. It's hard to explain exactly what that means, it's just crazy. When you get bitten, you don't just become a vampire, you also become a mobster if you aren't already one. It's hilarious, violent and done smartly. If that sounds like a Tarantino movie then get this, Tarantino takes a lot of influence from Takashi Miike's movies.
9. SpongeBob SquarePants: Sponge Out Of Water

This is the only movie I've given a full review on my blog. It's a great movie. I hate repeating myself so just go read the review here.
8. The Assassin

The Assassin is a quiet Taiwanese movie, that is in many ways the spiritual sister to The Revenant. Both are period pieces, but while the lead in The Revenant seeks revenge, the lead in The Assassin seeks redemption. Much like the Revenant it features stunning shots of nature, and has an even more limited script. A girl having royal blood in feudal China is trained from a young age to become an assassin. She becomes a masterful killer, but when she shows a sense of morality she is given an extremely difficult assignment - to kill her cousin, to whom she had once been engaged to. And then things get complicated.
7. Jurassic World

A lot of people didn't like this movie. That is to say, a lot of people seem to think that Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howards teaming up with raptors and a T. Rex is somehow not the best idea anybody has ever had in the history of cinema. I loved the hell out of this movie. Dinosaurs, man. Dinosaurs.
6. Deathgasm

Metal! This is an independent horror movie from New Zealand about a group of metalheads that find ancient sheet music, and accidentally unleash demons by playing it. This movie clearly knows it's metal, which is exciting enough for a metalhead, but it's also very good as a horror movie, taking cues from the Evil Dead franchise and occasionally George Romero. It's the odd one out on this list, as it features no high concept, and is exactly what you watch. Its on this list solely because it kicks so much ass.
5. Shinjuku Swan

One of two Sion Sono movie here, it's probably better to just have a list where Sion Sono's output in a year is ranked, because there will be enough for one, and they're all bound to be good. This one's more grounded than the previous one, which isn't saying much. The striking thing about this movie is the portrayal of the city itself and its weird little study of its inhabitants. The movie follows a loser who finds a job hiring women to become strippers, but gets involved front and center in a war with a rival gang. It remains as bright and complicated and colorful as his movies tend to be.

4. It Follows

There's a popular opinion that horror has been dead since the dawn of slasher flicks, but that's simply not true. There have been a whole lot of great horror movies in the past two decades, and It Follows is a jewel among them. The scare in the movie is a demon that follows a person relentlessly till it can murder the person. The only way to get rid of it being having sex with someone. One could call it a Sexually Transmitted Demon. Only the people who've been Followed can see the demon, and it's unkillable, and it can look like anybody it wants to but nothing else is known about it. The fact that you can't trust anybody in the background, and that the director purposefully uses wide shots peppered with people, gives the movie a tension that you rarely find in horror.

3. The Revenant

I did not expect to like this movie. I did not like Birdman, and I went into the theater thinking that this too would be pretentious as hell. I was so wrong. The tension, the visuals, the acting are all on point to say the least. It's rare to see such good landscape shots outside of a nature documentary, and sometimes you might just think that you're watching one. The climax is truly fantastic. It's bloody, and it takes its time to get there, and every drop of blood spilt is spilt for a reason. This is a revenge flick like few others, where one is never really sure about who's hunting whom. I am waiting for Freddy Vs. Jason Vs. The Revenant.

2. Mad Max: Fury Road

In an age of shitty reboots and dull action movies, Mad Max is extremely refreshing. There isn't a single dull moment, it's wildly original, but also remarkably simple. This is one of those rare blockbusters that'll be remembered and loved for years to come. These are all things you'll read in any review. I'm just proclaiming my love for this masterpiece. Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron destroy as Max and Furiosa. I would never have expected to like a movie that's essentially one long car chase but I love this movie that is essentially one long car chase. It will be fun to see who ropes in George Miller first for a superhero movie.

1. Tokyo Tribe

Of all the dystopias on this list, Sion Sono's post apocalyptic rap musical presents the most colorful alternative. Tokyo has broken down into factions, separated geographically and ideologically, but one aspires for dominance over the others. The other tribes unite to fight. As with all Sion Sono movies it's marked with quirks so crazy it's hard to list them all out (a man picks up a human finger from a cigar box and eats it - it's less disgusting than it sounds, and much funnier). The movie looks gaudy on purpose, like a rap video, and all the characters talk in rap instead of well, normal speech. It's probably the single most entertaining movie of last year and features a wealth of cameos by members of the Japanese rap scene.

Honorable Mentions
Creep is a wicked good movie, but funnier than it was scary.
Crimson Peak is a good movie, but falls short of the Del Toro standard by far.
What We Do In The Shadows and Seven Days In Hell, both mockumentaries, both hilarious and smart.
World Of Tomorrow, an animated short film. Friggin' brilliant.
Ant-Man, Avengers: Age Of Ultron and Fantastic Four were all pretty good, in decreasing order of goodness. Yes. I really did like Fantastic Four.
Star Wars: A Force Awakens is a movie I actually loved, and is also the only blockbuster from last year that I saw more than once (even if by accident).
Dhrishyam/Papanasam. I loved both versions of this movie.
Also, Kabukicho Love Hotel. Such a great movie.
Movies that I missed, that might change things up a bit
The Big Short, Spotlight, Carol, Shawn The Sheep, Assassination (Korean espionage movie that's supposed to be hella fun), Journey To The Shore and Umimachi Diary (movies by my favorite and second favorite Japanese filmmakers respectively: only missed these because of an absolute lack of subtitles), Midnight Diner (spun off from the brilliant J-Drama of the same name, again missed because of no subtitles), Son Of Saul (Hungarian WWII movie that's supposed to be stunning). Straight Outta Compton. Court (the Marathi movie), When Marnie Was There (Studio Ghibli) The Martian. I plain forgot about the Martian.
Movies I couldn't give a shit about trying to watch
Room and Danish Girl. Both sound boring as hell. Jupiter Ascending. 50 Shades Of Fuck Off.
Movies I Tried To Watch But Couldn't Give A Shit About
Attack On Titan Pt. 1, Mockingjay Pt. 2 ( which is unfortunate, because I enjoyed the first part)
And finally...
The Movie That I Regret Watching With All My Heart
Taken 3. I only want to forget. Actually, it's forgotten.

Axe To Grind: The Paris Problem

This is not an article I wanted to write. I'd rather be writing a speculative article that discusses the various possible gowns that would work for Angelina Jolie in the Oscars. Heck, I even got a clickworthy headline for it, something like: Mindblowing! 17 Gowns Angelina Jolie Could Rock In The Upcoming Oscars! Number 7 is perfect!

Mindboggling!

In fact, the most I posted on social media was this excellent article on Brain Pickings where Tolstoy and Gandhi rationally discuss the reasons behind such acts of cruelty. It's a rare piece where a completely rational article yields an emotionally satisfying outcome and is really worth reading. 

I have several reasons for not wanting to write about Paris. Paris is a city that holds a special place in my heart, with its open celebration of art and beauty. As a fan of metal, and music in general, it was extra upsetting to see that music lovers were targeted, knowing that if I, or several of my friends had been in Paris on that day, we may have very well been at Le Bataclan when things went down. It's not advisable to write when you're in an emotional state of mind. While you may write something truly moving, often the end result is irrational drivel. 

No! Not more irrational drivel! (I love Math jokes)

Besides. My previous article was about Spider-Woman's butt. What's a serious discussion about terrorism doing next to that? Where's the balance? 

WHERE is it? WHERE'S THE BALANCE?

But my biggest reason for keeping shut was because I felt that anything I said would make no difference. Granted, there were several very touching posts and artistic tributes for Paris and the victims of the attacks. Several people changed their profile picture or simply posted a relevant hashtag; maybe because they don't know how to express themselves, maybe because they're trying to cash in on a trend, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I try not to read to much into it and neither should anyone else, because either way there's no harm done. And I think that just maybe seeing the whole Internet getting behind them may have made at least a few Parisians feel better on what must have been a terribly cold night. But I don't know. Personally, I didn't think it was enough. 

Until these asshats started popping up in my feed. I wish I had the stomach of a buzzfeed writer, so I could post an eyeroll gif, or one of those very subtle head shake gifs, maybe a gif of Benedict Cumberbatch raising just one eye brow. But I hate gifs. The only gif I will ever post is a gif of a person hacking a gif to death. If anybody has that gif please give it to me. Anyway, these asshats:

If you are one of these asshats, and you are offended by the word asshat, fuckface is available. If that offends you too, then hear me out, and maybe be less of a fuckface/asshat in the future. You are, of course, welcome to call into question my logic, defend yourselves, or swear back, but hear me out first, and maybe you'll come out of it saying,"Man, pre-article me was such an asshat/fuckface! I'm glad I'm not that guy anymore!"

Additional debatable questions: "Is there too much (attempted) humour in this article?" and "Is this guy even funny?"

I really need to stop avoiding the point. 

People like the ones above started showing up with increasing frequency, and then I read this New York Times article about how journalists and politicians are using the events that transpired for political propaganda. That's what made me choose to write. If this article gets even one asshat to remove his stupid ass hat, then I'd feel like I've done something decent. Not great, maybe not even useful, just decent. 

Truth is, I too am guilty of asshattery, but I kept my mouth shut about it. I never understood why people from my country would post things on 9/11 anniversaries, when our country has had several major terrorist attacks over the past two decades even. Our friendly neighbourhood Pakistan is much worse off than us. Further west, in Afghanistan, things are unthinkably bad. But Paris made me realise something. Terrorism, particularly of the Islamic variety, in its own cute way, brings people together. More so than Ebola. More so than poverty. Why? I don't know. Maybe because terrorism gives us a physical presence to be angry at, maybe its more emotionally affecting than the slow death caused by disease, heck, I've heard people claim that its because guns are sexier than hungry children. Possibly it's because of the love-hate relationship that people have with religion, but this is a question best left to smarter people than me. 

Where do I figure on your sexiness scale, asshat?

Granted, there are several valid points that some asshats could have definitely raised in a better manner, such as, where were the hashtags when Beirut was attacked just a day before Paris? The tendency is to answer this with something irritating and whiny like, "People care only about white/beautiful/American/European/Utopian Space people/cities". Read the above sentence again in an annoying nasal voice if you didn't do it the first time. I'm pretty sure that that's what the Internet would sound like if it could speak. Anyway, I heartily disagree with that. It should be pretty obvious that the people know what they see on the news, or on news sites. And the news generally likes to show people what they think they would rather see: happy things happening at happy places (Paris), and then sad things happening at happy places (Paris again! 2/2!). It doesn't take much of an imagination to see that this would be more shocking than something sad happening in a place where sad things happen. Which is terribly sad. There is no point in blaming the media or people in general though. In fact, to the people asking the question "Where was everyone when X problem happened?" Where were you, asshat? Where were your hashtags? In this day and age it isn't too difficult to spread awareness about an issue. If you have a problem with something, please, talk about it, spread awareness, do whatever the hell you want to. There is no need to use an unrelated tragedy as a shoutbox for a problem that you did nothing about, or any problem at all, for that matter. In fact, in the wake of such a high profile incident, other lesser known incidents will easily gather attention, provided the person they're hearing about it from isn't whining or trying to start a pissing contest over the highest number of dead bodies in a tragedy. Just because someone does something good for Paris, does it really mean they don't give a shit about Lebanese people? I'm not saying racists don't exist. They just don't exist at the scale these people like to claim that they do. This has less to do with spreading awareness, and more to do with looking like a smartass. 

A puppy break, to calm down.

Another question, that's far more complicated. Should we be "praying" for Paris? Isn't that what got us into this mess the first place? This whole religion thing? Isn't there anything else we can do? This is a question I can appreciate. What DO we do about religion? What else CAN we do? I honestly don't know the answers to the latter question, but I can guess at the former question. Religion as I see it has never really been about the granting of wishes. It's about taking comfort in the idea that there is a higher power that cares about you, and this higher power has given you a purpose in a life that seems devoid of any. A purpose of love. That some people somehow misunderstand the word love to mean massacre innocents for not massacring innocents (also known as having different beliefs) does not mean everybody doesn't see love as love. And if it takes religion for so many people to love others then so be it. It's a concept that doesn't require a god, and it's purpose enough, I think. To get everyone to care about everyone else.  If you don't like the idea, stop complaining about how religion does nothing but harm (untrue), when you're doing nothing. 

If we as a human race don't remember to love each other, or just learn to chill a bit about everything, just remember. Nuclear warfare is a button push away. And that doesn't sound like the kinda loving anybody really wants. My point is. Everybody really oughta stop being such assholes about everything. Even me. Guys, I'm sorry about earlier. When I called you all asshats, or even fuckfaces. Really. Lets all just get along. If we all got along, I don't see why any problem would prove more resilient than that fucking mosquito on my fucking leg right now (fucking monsoon). See, I just killed the little bugger. More may show up, but why should they be any harder to kill? Heck. If we all got along, then we'd be friends with the bloodsuckers, and we wouldn't have to fight them at all. There wouldn't be a problem in the first place. 

I'm sorry for the crap that you had to go through Paris. And I'm sorry that we haven't been paying enough attention to you, rest of the world. I for one, will try to be more understanding. Thanks for having me. 

Getting To The Bottom Of Spider-Woman's Bottom

Update: I wrote this article almost two years ago, and my views have significantly changed since. Milo Manara is an absolute piece of shit, and his art is most definitely sexist. I am keeping this piece online, only because I still feel that writer representation and characterization is vastly more important than some shitty artist's shitty drawing. And it would appear that in the major companies, writer representation is trending down rather than up, with women opting to work on independent titles rather than with DC or Marvel (with some notable exceptions). Comicbooks appear to be doing well in the characterization department though. Far better than even ten years ago.

Anyway, article starts here:

People love Superhero movies. People know that these superheroes they love seeing on screen come from comicbooks. But people don't read comicbooks. Most people don't. But I do. Which is why it really pissed me off one fine day when my newsfeed was suddenly crammed with articles about how Spider-Woman's ass crack is highly offensive. Now, I agree that ass cracks are offensive. Anybody who's ever been on a bus would know that. Unless I'm especially unlucky on busses. But that's besides the point. Let me elaborate. 

Marvel launched a Spider-Woman title some months back. Spider-Woman's super powers include pheromone manipulation, which makes women irritated and men horny. That's not her only power, but that doesn't make it any less strange. Comicbooks have a rich history of objectifying women, using them as incentive for men, and stuffing them in refrigerators. More on that last one later. What makes Spider-Woman's pheromone power special is that while most female superheroes had super sized breasts and super tight costumes to make men act stupid, she actually had a special superpower to make this easier. She could easily have become the most sexist comicbook character ever, but the writers were like meh fuck that. And just like that, the single most badass female superhero (after Wonder Woman) is born. She kicks so much ass, that at one point, she acted as a quadruple agent for the Avengers, SHIELD, HYDRA and SKRULLS. Skrulls aren't an organisation. I typed Skrulls in all caps to emphasise that they are a terrifying shape shifting alien race. Technically she'd been replaced by a SKRULL at that point (the queen of them all, no less), but she was chosen because only she could handle the pressure. To put things in perspective, they could have picked Captain America, but they chose SPIDER-WOMAN. Caps because she's badass. Okay. Badass is an unfortunate thing to say. Why, you probably don't wonder because you've probably already read a dozen articles about this, in spite of never having seen Spider-Woman in a comicbook. And you'd have been shocked. Gosh, how sexist, you'd have thought. Comicbook readers are perverts and creeps, you'd have decided. I have judged that you have judged us. And now I'm going to defend me and my kind from you and your kind. I've already shown you how Spider-Woman is bada- really awesome. I'm going to defend the offensive cover that allegedly portrays her in an intensely sexist manner. But first let me talk about where the sexism in comicbooks really lies. 

Women in refrigerators. One fine day, Green Lantern gets home and finds a note asking him to look in the fridge. He thinks his girlfriend has cooked something for him and he opens the refrigerator to find that actually, his girlfriend had been cooked for him. Not actually cooked, just, cut up I guess. This was done solely to piss the hero off and give him incentive to kick bad-guy ass. This is a trope that arises time and again. We've seen it in fairy tales, movies, TV shows, books, everything. Sleeping Beauty needs her Prince Charming, so on so forth. The woman is simply incentive for the man. "The Woman In A Refrigerator" is the term used for this trope when it shows up in comicbooks. The woman doesn't necessarily have to die. She just needs to become the hero's reason to fight. A variation of this is when a villain is too powerful for a female superhero to overcome, so a male comes and handles the situation. Comicbook writers are trying really hard to get rid of this cliche, and female heroes have become more kickass than ever. They carry their own titles, have their own problems that are not spouse related, they deal with their own shit. And the number of good female driven titles has never been this many- Wonder Woman, Black Widow, Captain Marvel, Ms. Marvel, Storm, Silk, Spider-Gwen, Batgirl, Squirrelgirl, She Hulk, friggin' SPIDER-WOMAN, the list goes on and on. 

"This is NOT the sandwich I asked for."

Recently, there was controversy regarding a variant cover of a Batgirl comic. For Joker’s 75th anniversary, a number of titles came out with variant covers featuring the Joker. The one that came out with Batgirl was a reference to the classic Batman story- Killing Joke. In the story, Batgirl has essentially no real role. She only appears for Joker to impale her with a rod, paralysing her and disallowing her to continue as Batgirl. She instead becomes the Oracle in a remarkable show of strength and fights crime in her own way (these things don’t happen in Killing Joke, they happen later). The former half is a classic example of Women In Refrigerators, while the latter half is a classic example of writers trying to fight it. The writer of the story himself says he regrets including that bit, and calls it shallow. The cover was panned for being sexist and evocative of a terrible time. Its a frightening, and beautifully drawn cover. I just think it celebrates the Joker and the terror he represents, and not what happens to Batgirl. 

"What do you mean that's not lipstick?"

If we are to take that much context into the cover, then the Jason Todd variant would be much more offensive. Its a reference to the time Joker smashed his head in and killed him, and he came back to life as a disillusioned, vengeance fuelled vigilante. 

Fun Fact: Robin brain is a delicacy in some places.

DC ultimately pulled the Batgirl cover and never released it. This was not good, because this was the second time such a thing happened in a very short span of time. Its a short road before censoring starts restricting even mildly offensive things. Soon Luke Cage (Power Man) will have to stop saying “Sweet Christmas!” because minority religions are not represented in that catchphrase. 

The next issue is their costumes and the way they’re generally drawn. Reading comic books, like any art form, is a form of escapism. For men, seeing musclebound superpowered billionaire geniuses facing relatable real world problems, dealing with them, while simultaneously kicking ass makes a good story. Peter Parker-financial struggles! Tony Stark-alcoholic! So on! So forth! We aren’t particularly fussy about the costumes that heroes wear as long as they look cool. Be it Namor in his underwear or Superman in his underwear over tights or the Punisher’s simple jeans and T-Shirt. It also helps that the women are easy to look at. To the most part, women seem to simply accept the costumes worn by the heroes. Some of the costumes are pretty inoffensive and comparable to the tights that most male heroes wear. Some of them are fucking outrageous. While I can’t decide what’s what for a woman, women probably can, so I asked a few women and men what they really want to see in their cookbook characters. More on that later. Anyway, times (and costumes) are a-changin’ and Wonder Woman finally decided that she really needs some fucking pants. Several female superheroes have been given redesigns or simply drawn differently, while the newer ones are given decent costumes to begin with. People don’t have problems with this as long as the costumes look cool. 

This whole thing started out with me wondering what the big deal with the following cover was.

"Eyes down, creep."

And then I read this article.

And I saw the video embedded in it. And I mostly agree with the guy. I think that while comicbooks shouldn’t alienate readers, the readers should have some sense of what’s offensive and what’s not. If you opened that link, you’d have seen Spider-Man in that pose and worse several times (for people who complain that Spider-Man would never pose like that). Magazines which love to have scantily clad women on their covers crib when a comic book has a fully clad woman in a pose. Another complaint is that the costume looks like its been painted onto her and that no cloth looks that thin. To people who have that complaint I ask, when has Superhero clothing ever been otherwise. Tights are tights. Like these covers are different. 

If you must sit like that, please just look at someone else.

People say that the covers can't be compared because the purpose they serve and the aesthetics are different. But there is literally no context in the Spider-Woman photo you pervs. Granted. The artist is known for erotic graphic novels, but take a look at his Nightcrawler cover. Nobody screamed bloody murder here. Nobody called Milo Manara (the artist’s name) out for using his tail as a symbolic penis as opposed to Spider-Woman using her ass for absolutely nothing. Both these covers could offend you if you really really really wanted to be offended. But otherwise, I don’t think so.

"I may not have horns on my head, but that does not mean I'm not horny..."

I wondered if people were making a fuss just to make a fuss. Or if women are genuinely offended by the cover. So I asked some people what they’d choose for their body types, and what they’d choose for their costumes, given some comic book characters. 

To make things clear, the lower picture is Image 1. The poll is arranged according to number of votes.

This happens to be in the right order.

These were the results. Among men, more people wanted to be athletically skinny like Spider-Man. Nobody wanted to be a lump of muscle walking around in their underwear. The results for women are similar enough, but an even number are alright with a one piece swimsuit. The poll therefore does not reveal a hidden anger among people against sexy costumes, but rather, there are limits. I didn’t feel like this was satisfactory though. So I asked a bunch of people outright, what they felt about the Spiderwoman cover when the Spider-Man cover was placed right next to it.

So there. 24 people is by no means entirely conclusive, but in this context I think we can extrapolate a little bit. A clear majority say that the cover is not offensive, but they would have thought it was sexist had they not seen the Spider-Man cover. We can infer, that some half aware idiots decided to take it upon themselves to show the world how sexist comic books are, when the industry is doing its best to change. Sure, it was, and still is sexist in some ways (see Starfire costume below - the excuse they use is that she's an alien who explores her sexuality), and spreading awareness is very important, but to say that something as silly as this is offensive either shows a complete lack of knowledge (don’t half ass it, half-asscracks are more offensive than Spider-Woman asscracks), or some serious double standards. For those people who still find it offensive, I would love to hear why. Censoring one thing wil only lead to censoring another thing. Think I’m being paranoid? Take a look at this case here, where people are trying to ban a number of powerful comicbooks because they aren’t like Batman and Robin. Aside from stronger stories, check out the redesigns that characters have undergone recently.

Cool!

Way cool!

Wait what?

Wtf

It's a step in the right direction, I suppose. C'mon you lazy fucks. You're not helping my case.

Now the fight they fight is a very different fight. There are a number of female comicbook writers and artists in the industry now. This isn't surprising, considering that 48 percent of comicbook readers are women. That's a large number, and as with men, a number of them are likely to turn to contributing to their favourite art form. Or literature form. Or both. Heck, Gail Simone, Kelly Sue DeConnick and and G. Willow Wilson are among the best writers in the industry, and Fiona Staples is undoubtably one of the most talented artists around. They've done amazing things for comicbooks in the past few years, and some of their books will certainly be considered among the greats. Yet, last year, in the Women In Comicbooks Panel at a certain Comic Con, there were absolutely no women. This might be a funny complaint for a guy writing about sexism to have, but men should be involved in the discussion. Involved I say, but not at the fore, because, screw it I don't need to explain this. It'd be like white people saying racism doesn't exist because they've never experienced it. So this is a disturbing issue that the industry has taken upon itself to solve, and I think it's doing a good job. I'd like to say that the men in the comicbook industry have been much more accepting than in, say, the video game industry. But again. I'm a dude so I really can't say that for sure. The reason I'm writing this article, is to separate the issues from the non issues. I really cannot comment accurately on the degree to which the above problems have been quelled. I only intend to show where the real problems lie.

Comic books aren't what they were. Editors and writers are trying earnestly to make comic books more diverse, and approachable to everyone. The best example of this is the new Ms. Marvel, who had a critically acclaimed run just now, written by the super talented G. Willow Wilson. The new Ms. Marvel is a teenage muslim girl in New Jersey called Kamala Khan. The previous Ms. Marvel was Carol Danvers, a white woman. If you think the switch caused controversy, it did. All switches cause controversy. Did it all go away when the first issue came out? Nope. But the only people who dislike the character are a handful of internet trolls. The rest of the world loves her, and with a gong, she ushered in a new era of acceptance into comic books. Make mine, Ms. Marvel!

Think I’m wrong about something? Something I’ve missed you’d like to point out? Have a different perspective to offer? Please, feel free to use and abuse the shiny new Disqus comment section below.